“Beauty grows in you to the extent that love grows, because love itself is the soul’s beauty.” – St. Augustine
One of my biggest dreams is to love as Christ has loved me. I am invited to live this out daily in the ordinary. I am called to love my husband, but honestly loving him comes easy. The sacrifices of love in benefit of our marriage have been a privilege to make, he is my rock. Although I know loving my husband has helped me grow in love and beauty, there is now a love that has not been so easy and this is motherhood.
In the past two blogs, I shared my pregnancy and birth stories. They were overall extremely positive experiences and I am grateful for this. See we have this misconception that love is all butterflies and rainbows, but true love is also pain and sacrifice.
Pain and sacrifice is what I experienced the first weeks of motherhood. Again, my perfectionist personality came to haunt me. I was constantly terrified of messing up, I wouldn’t trust my gut for anything because questioning my every move had become a norm. Baby Santiago was the absolute most beautiful gift from above and all I could think about was how bad I was at this mom thing. Breastfeeding left me in tears, his crying made me cry, and having no time with my husband was killing me. Yes, I look back now and see how much I was overthinking everything; in my defense, the hormone imbalance is terrifyingly real. So, yes I will accept it I absolutely hated the first two-three weeks of baby in our lives. Fear had completely taken over and I was scared I’d fall into postpartum depression. I talked it out with Adrian and he kept me in check. We later realized it was case of baby blues and after a month everything came back to “normal.” Those first weeks seemed like the longest two weeks of my life. I felt like my world had been turned upside down and honestly, I was not okay with it; again, my perfectionist mentality dragging me down. I am now enjoying motherhood like you cannot imagine. I am the most in love woman on this earth, totally biased haha! Those adorable fat rolls are from us conquering breastfeeding, and those adorable smiles are because I am doing something right. My husband (MVP), parents (very close to MVP), and friends have been the strongest support system.
My beauty has grown because love has grown in me. I have learned to love in a new way. I learned to love through tears and pain. Santiago has me daydreaming and every time he falls asleep in my arms or we make eye contact “my soul proclaims the greatness of my Lord.” I am excited for this new way to love; I am excited to become more beautiful as love continues to grow in me.
Motherly love has brought me closer to understanding Christ’s sacrificial way to love, and not to mention Mary’s selfless way to love.