No Greater Love than Fear: a scared mom

I was scared to have a second child

This morning as I was making Max lunch and I heard a little, morning, hoarse, boy, voice coming from the bedrooms saying “Good Morning Luna” followed by a big squeal from Luna trying to get away from Max’s morning hug. Their precious growing bond makes me smile. I can already tell Max will be a protective brother, and she will hate it haha. He is always correcting her ways.

I was just remembering last night of when we were a family of three.
It was the three of us.
Abner, Jeny, and Max
Max truly made our house a home and filled our hearts with unconditional love.

To be honest I was afraid of being a mom of two. I was terrified of changing the life I loved so much. Now that I think about it I believe that the only reason Abner and I were set to settle for one child was of pure fright. We always agreed that we were happy with one, but I think deep inside we longed for another baby. I prayed about it a lot. I knew that I couldn’t wait another four years to decide so I think God decided for us; I mean how can he say no to life haha. In my prayers, I sought for confidence in motherhood that I could be a good mom of two and that I would love being a mom of a new baby and I found myself a little more hopeful. It took me 4 years to say yes to life again.

I waited for my son to be out of diapers, sleep on his own bed, buckle himself up in his car seat and waited for him to go to preschool. I guess I thought that it would make it easier. I remember the day we planned for Luna. I was nervous. Totally not confident in our next life decision but I knew that I would, in fact, love another baby. I pictured our next baby a boy, and boys are all I said we would have. I again denying big changes in my life.

When we confirmed the pregnancy, we were completely excited!

A few weeks later Abner was the only one excited because I quickly became terrified of not loving my growing child. I spent my pregnancy crying and afraid. It was real and though I never sought a medical professional, I experienced depression during pregnancy. But the feelings of fear slowly eased its way out. I search for strength in my God and through Mary I found peace. I knew that if Virgen Mary could do it in her difficult circumstances there was nothing I could not overcome. I placed my life in her shoes and repentantly asked: “was she not afraid?”

And Mary’s response to Angel Gabriel is what I would repeat to myself over and over.

“I am the Lord’s servant. Let everything you’ve said happen to me.” –Luke 1; 38

Near the end of my pregnancy, everything started to feel like the last time. Last time we would read in bed together before the light goes out. Last time Max and I would pick up random ice cream and have paw patrol conversations without having to worry about tending another baby. I would truly miss our moments.

Then the unexpected happened. Our baby girl was ready to come to the world at 32 weeks and life became nothing like my wildest thoughts. The fear of not loving her enough vanished. My little Luna was the bravest of them all. She was tough and ready to take life by the horns. So easy to love and I could not leave her side. I wanted to be with her at all times without looking back.

One year later, and yes there are some stumbles, but there was also many after Jesus was born. Max is a great brother who doesn’t look for extra attention, and my husband is an incredibly hands-on dad with Luna. On birthday one, I reminisced a little over the last couple of months of how much each family member has grown; how much our little moon has taught us already. There’s no fear greater than love and that is was our little princess came to teach us.

Me? I am feeling completely blessed and in love with my family of 4.

Abner, Jeny, Max, and Luna

Jenyfer

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