Sin Papa

This is to all the girls who grew up without a dad figure.

I like to put things out there that I wished I would have came across a long time ago and I really love breaking statistics.

So, I decided to touch on this topic because no one wants to talk about it. I’ve come to peace with my own situation a couple of years back. I learned some valuable things about myself, so let’s talk about the positive.

If you look up the statistics you’ll be able to see that a daughter growing up without a father can really mess her up mentally, and yes, perhaps I have experienced A LOT on the list.

My father wasn’t always absent. I did have a good childhood where both of my parents were present, and I do have good memories. Those are the memories I hold on to so dearly.
He walked away.
I think that’s what hurt the most. The reality that I was living a normal family life and then suddenly one night my dad walks into my room and he gives me the goodbye kiss, or like I like to say the Judah kiss.

The betrayal.

For the years to come, there would be a lot of healing, forgiving, and unconditional loving.

School was hard, making friends was hard, and dating was hard. A lot of my troublesome had to do with the social anxiety that I developed. I think I coped with it
by becoming a young rebel. No one would notice that deep inside I was fighting with low
self-esteem.

The dating.

These are always the fun years of one’s life right? Whelp, not for me. This is where the
emotional impact hit hard. I was absolutely terrified of talking to guys or simply just dating. I broke up with Abner like 2-3 times (I lost count haha)
No, but seriously dating was the absolute worst part of me. I was scared of committing, and I hated men.

I was scared to end up with the wrong guy and do me wrong and potentially walk away from our children. Again, dad insecurities I developed; that’s why I never dated. Only twice in my life to be exact.

The Marriage.

I wish I could say that it ends after finding the perfect guy, but that most definitely is untrue for me.
I still had many insecurities coming into our first year of marriage that affected my
communication with my husband. I limited my love and backed away from receiving his love and he noticed that. He noticed that I didn’t trust him. What he said to me that changed me forever was “Jenyfer I’m not your dad, I’m not going to hurt you, let me love you.” Can a man truly look into the soul of his woman without hurting them? Yea. Yea, he can. Yes, he cared enough to see that and that’s when I let myself be loved unconditionally.

The Children.

Thought it ended with marriage huh? Haha nope.
I’m so hard on my husband when it comes to his father role. I might have said to him a couple of times that he is the worst dad ever. Let’s clear the air, he is not the worst dad ever. He is a good dad, he is a loving dad and he is by far the best nurse dad ever. I’m tough on him because I want him to be a present dad. I don’t want him to miss any moments. I want him to be all I wanted as a child, and he truly is.

These days I am doing well but who knows if I will face another bump in the road where I will have to face another unresolved issue.

Whatever tomorrow brings I know I have the power to change the narrative. I am stronger, not because of my father, but because I decided I didn’t want to be another statistic. I am who I am because of me and by the grace of God.

Jenyfer D. Navichoque – Writer, unparalleled love

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