“Then they went away quickly from the tomb, fearful yet overjoyed…” Matthew 28:8
One of the big questions that has come up these past few weeks has been whether I am nervous about the big day. When people started asking me this question, it kind of caught me off guard. There has been lots of change in these last few months, and in all the chaos I haven’t taken a moment to ask myself, “How do you feel Jo?” Then, Christ in his unknown, yet very close presence spoke to me. No, it wasn’t in a glorious, majestic cloud with angelical chorus’, it was in the silence of the reflection of the scripture.
Am I nervous? Well, not really. I’m also not like super chill as if nothing was happening. There’s a certain anxiety in me as well. This confusion was elevated to Christ and my answer was found in His gospel through the actions of Mary of Magdala. I understood that day that it is completely possible and normal to feel fearful and overjoyed in the face of an immense, life-changing experience… and that my brothers and sisters is how I feel about this step I’m going to take.
“…fearful…” — I can’t deny that a part of me is scared. I am giving myself to another man and uniting our lives with the King of Kings. It’s a commitment not like a job contract or a purchase of a new home. It’s a commitment that transcends my being in this temporary life. This vocation that God has placed in my heart doesn’t flow from butterflies and rainbows, it comes from the understanding of a commitment from God. It’s a realization that God is entrusting me Adrian, entrusting me to take him to sainthood, and take me to sainthood and well let’s just say Adrian has his work cut out for him, ha-ha. Obviously, this frightens me and it frightens me more than you can imagine. It frightens me that I won’t be the woman Adrian needs, the woman God needs. Also, fully trusting in another human being, wow! Nothing can assure me of what’s to come and whether Adrian is the person I think him to be. No one can assure me anything, it’s a step of faith, and I’m not kidding when I say there is fear— fear of the unknown.
“…overjoyed…” — Ironically, behind this fear there is a great joy such happiness that I truly can’t describe. Unifying my life with the man that makes my days simpler and my hours shorter is a dream come true. Being able to walk by the hand with someone so special in every stage of life under the blessing of God is such an intensely beautiful mystery. It’s the great joy of having someone to share my thoughts with, it’s the great joy of having the opportunity to be co-collaborators with the Creator, the call to give life. All these things are what fill me with great joy. God, who lives, awakens in me an immense hope even in what is unknown, but whatever may come, “we know that all things work for good for those who love God…” Romans 8:28.
So, next time someone asks me if I feel nervous, I obviously won’t answer them with these 500 words but I will answer them with the actions of Mary of Magdala, “…fearful yet overjoyed…”
Joandra Ocampo – Writer, unparalleled love