I remember day dreaming of the day I would get to hug my father outside the prison cells. Somehow it gave me this illusion that that day we would all finally be free, free from the damage. We would pick up right where we left off as a family of five. Those were my 10-year-old hopes, but last year when he got released it hit me, that he was not coming home to us. That night my husband found me in the corner of our closet crying like I used to cry for him. I thought that after all these years, being married and starting a life of my own I was going to outgrow the pain, but NO it had grown with me and that’s when it struck me! You see the thing about the past…it lasts forever!
I really try to act like the tough cookie of the family and pretend that dad’s things don’t bother me anymore but in reality, in my long car rides to work I replay certain traumatizing events like the afternoon DFCS came for me and my older sister and took us to a foster home. The more I replay it the more details I remember, and after all these years it all still hurts the same.
I’ve learned to keep it under control, I’ve accepted that I come with attachments and keeping it silent does not do any good for my emotional health. When I’m in distress I only open up to people that know the story and is not a family member. My husband is really good at picking up my odd behaviors and sits me down to see what’s going on with me and does not let me get up until we both come up with solutions. Boy, does the past like to linger around.
The worst we can do for ourselves is let those situations sit in our minds for too long.
We start remembering how it made us feel, how it made us lose our identity, how it made us believe we are no good for authentic happiness, how we are not worthy of Jesus Christ’s forgiveness.
We can’t shove the pain anywhere, it’s there and there to be shared with others.
I don’t know what pain you carry today, maybe down grading words from your parents or peers, sexual abuse, domestic violence, negligence. Whatever causes your decades of pain, promise yourself to take care of it, acknowledge it, talk about it, and don’t let it rule your life. They are as huge as Goliath but with a little faith and bravery you can take it down like David did.
We can either live in denial or face the truth of its existence and resist.
The past will never pass and the more we allow it to be part of us the easier it is to accept who we are. I’ve learned to love the challenges that come with it and to prove to myself that I can overcome fears that come with the whole experience.
I made the best decision when I accepted God’s invitation to be my healer, he helped me find the purpose of my story. He made a disciple out of me at the age of 14. I started to share my story with hundreds of teenagers and I thought by doing so I was helping others but little did I know that every tear I shed sharing my testimony, were tears of healing.
Do not hide, let your past become a purpose worth sharing every day.
“Find out how much God has given you and from it take what you need; the remainder is needed by others.” – St. Augustine
Jenyfer D. Navichoque – Writer, unparalleled love